if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
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Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
ME (calling my horse with no name):
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
