Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever

The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

[courtroom]

me: good morning, Judge McDonald

Judge: you will address the court properly

Me:

Judge: or be found in contempt

Me: Good morning, Your Ronald

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…