If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
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*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go