Pour some sugar on me. More. Keep going. Okay, now bricks.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
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Thanks for the holiday photo! I can’t believe your little girls are already unhappy, overweight teenagers!
WAITER: Your honor, when I said “enjoy your meal” he said “you too”
ME: it was a mistake
JUDGE: he gets half your meal
J: you too
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Me: starting now.
My son ate all the marshmallows in the Lucky Charms and well guess who isn’t paying for his college now.
I’m so drunk right now I just walked into Canadian customs and shouted “Why y’all checkin’ me?! Ur the ones with a pot leaf on your flag!!”
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
When I’m bored I go around putting
these stickers on paper towel