If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
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Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.