If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
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uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Beards are a privilege, not a right
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.