If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
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I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat