If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
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Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.