@girl_a_whirl

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

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@glamoureptile

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”

@ObscureGent

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

@Darlainky

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

@johnistoasted

Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous

Dad: sure kiddo

@ibid78

[good cop] admit you stole those diamonds
[suspect] wait but I peed on them so now they’re mine
[dog cop] Jim he has a point

@tweetsbyrocket

[hogwarts]

plumber: i’ve come to do the pipes

salazar slytherin: make sure they’re big enough for a giant snake

plumber: why

salazar slytherin: no reason

@juliussharpe

I don’t have a problem with steroids in sports since I think anyone who can give themselves a shot is the bravest person in the world.

@AbbyHasIssues

“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I whisper as I don’t wait the full ten minutes for the oven to preheat.

@TheTweetOfGod

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll add to the global overdepletion of the oceans. So just give him the fish.