@girl_a_whirl

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

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@SJKSalisbury

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

@TheAlexNevil

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

@VisionBored1

Friend: since you’re a teacher you must have a really great homeschooling routine going

Me, watching hour six of Netflix with my kids: oh, totally

@jazmasta

Who called it confronting ur husband Stanley about flirty texts from a girl named Rebecca from a former soviet state and not Who’sbeckystan?

@WheelTod

[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!

@not_delicate

A 3 year old at my son’s preschool asked me who’s grandma I am, so yes I’m getting botox Monday.

@cepheusjackson

[GRAND CANYON]

WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?

ME: It’s ok.

WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?

ME: I don’t want to talk about it

@badbanana

Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.

@upsidedowntrash

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

@freypalm

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.