If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

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just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”


All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.


I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.


Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous

Dad: sure kiddo


[good cop] admit you stole those diamonds
[suspect] wait but I peed on them so now they’re mine
[dog cop] Jim he has a point



plumber: i’ve come to do the pipes

salazar slytherin: make sure they’re big enough for a giant snake

plumber: why

salazar slytherin: no reason


I don’t have a problem with steroids in sports since I think anyone who can give themselves a shot is the bravest person in the world.


“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I whisper as I don’t wait the full ten minutes for the oven to preheat.


Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll add to the global overdepletion of the oceans. So just give him the fish.