If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
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[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”