If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
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“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
but that was my emotional support daylight
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Current mood: Potato
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
Well, that didn’t work.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling