Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

[Movie: Romance]

Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!

Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…

Him: K… forget it…

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

My daughter keeps ending up with glitter all over her face and she doesn’t know where its coming from. I keep asking her if she’s turned into a vampire and she doesn’t understand and it’s giving me life 😂

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.

Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

it’s time for some pepper spray

-me, in a crowded elevator

Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together

What does a cannibal eat for a snack?

Finger food.

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*