If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
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my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”