If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
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Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.