If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
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My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one