If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
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You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys