Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*

*Remind you to drink water.

Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?

…and send

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.

The symmetry is uncanny.

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.

Only you can prevent podcasts

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱

Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law