If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
You Might Also Like
#dnd #ttrpg
how to exercise your calf muscles
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.