If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
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I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
the internet really was better 18 years ago
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
You should be able to google why a couple broke up