If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
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When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
The Others (2001)
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
I love the honesty
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school