Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The prophecy is fulfilled

He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.

A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.

New guy: I really like your name

Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday

Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.

My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.

10/10 no notes.

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?

Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse

Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!

Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.

Her:

Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?

I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.

Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.

Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people

Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”

[Commercial for condoms]

*a baby cries*

NARRATOR: Condoms

A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning