If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
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*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on