If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
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It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Catering service
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.