If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
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“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
How do dragons blow out candles?
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter