If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
You Might Also Like
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.