If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
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I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
58.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.