Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Pullover!

Me: It’s a cardigan.

*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.

I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.

ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers

“You drive me to drink!”

-I shout at my taxi driver.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions

first time at Hobby Lobby:

hello I’d like one hobby please

Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes

I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.