If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
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*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.