If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
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Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently