Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
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Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Some people were born into their job.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does