If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
You Might Also Like
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
When I face a minor setback
