If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
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DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Managing expectations
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder