If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
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I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I hate my earbuds.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.