Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.

Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.

Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.

Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms

It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”

*throws back out*

Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.

Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously