If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
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Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
constantly working on myself.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.