Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

ㅤ

i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?

Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.

What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??

it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.

me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know

My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?

Me: Yes.

ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt

[phobia support group]

host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.

me: [tearing up]

host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?

me: tsunamis

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

date: I wrote a book on lions

me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water