If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
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Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
our love story in four pictures
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing