if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
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Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Y’all ready for this
