if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
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I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.