if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
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Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
If my kids invented a drink.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!