if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
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[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*