If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
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Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
That 👊
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
my first dose meeting my second
