Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

Genie: I grant you three wishes.

Bob: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted.

Rich: I want a lot of money.

why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”

*sandwiches

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

like u make the diseases or are against them ?

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

i made a craigslist ad !

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

😉😝

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

*stares into the abyss

The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.