If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
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Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?