If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
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I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.