If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
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Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
