If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
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a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?