If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
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Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Was it something I said?
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We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable