If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
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[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Livid.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
🤯🤯🤯
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums