If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
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“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Pepper & I getting some sun on the patio when a herd of deer passed by. Biggest herd I’ve seen so far ever. I counted 9. Usually it’s just 3. But you know, today is Sunday maybe family came over.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.