If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
You Might Also Like
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?