If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
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Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*