If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
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We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.