Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*

him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve

me: that’s ketchup

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience

When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

No regrets in 2018

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS

Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.

Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?