If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
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For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Raisins are grape jerky.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning