If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
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If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Well lets see. . . .2020: Didn’t jog. . . . .2021: Didn’t jog. . . . .2022: Didn’t jog. . . . .2023: Didn’t jog. . . . .2024: Haven’t jogged ~ This is kind of a running joke with me.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
*me flirting
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”