Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you

CONTESTANT: thank you

ME, SWEATING:

TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth

I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”

Parenting log, day 560:

The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.

me: I’ll take this goth pear

cashier: that’s an avocado

Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.

Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.