If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
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the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Every house has this drawer
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
So Hamburger help me, God
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.