If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
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[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.