Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*

[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

Grandpa: Music today is terrible

Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*

Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*

English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?

I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

7: I’m beating you!

Me: Ok.

7: I’m way ahead!

Me: I see that.

7: I’m gonna win!

Me:….

My son on the carousel horse in front of me.

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

[During acupuncture]

Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.