If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
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I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
The second world war should have been called world war returns