If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
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Thank you corporation very cool
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work