If children are the future, we’re doomed. Kids suck at a lot of stuff. Have you ever heard a kid read aloud? It’s a nightmare.

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4-yr-old son gave smartest answer ever to “How do you know if something is art?” “People tell you.”


*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.


[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]



Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!


Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!


Boss: You’ve been late for work every single day this year.
Me: *high five


WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie


I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.


Although it may be true that I don’t have a lot of friends, I do however have a significant amount of strangers that don’t bother me.