If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”