Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone? ⁣
⁣
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh⁣

middle school in the ’90s

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.