If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
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I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause