If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
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It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
This is a true ally.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”