If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
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“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
CRYING
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see