Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware

Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair

I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

*praying for world peace*
God:

EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

Twitter is the new flypaper.

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

Good for him.

me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift

An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…