If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
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Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”