Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
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Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Give them a Cheesecake Factory gift card this holiday season so they know you “grocery store checkout line” love them
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new
Pfff….poetry is easy