@internetluke

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

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@ixix82

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

@thatcarlygirl

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

@Not_James_Vogel

Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

@GashleyMadison

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

@MUMSIEesq

Give them a Cheesecake Factory gift card this holiday season so they know you “grocery store checkout line” love them

@SteveSuckington

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

@OkieGirl405

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy