If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
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Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I just ran a .003048K
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.