If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
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I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up