If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
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USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Construction sites are so shy. Let me see
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]