Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i mend relationships

professor boyfriend: oh wow

The median voter

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

The USS B port

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

her: wanna go upstairs

me: yes

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.

I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.

Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.

God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.

Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.