If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
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mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
the #horror is real!
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.