If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
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Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
You had me at “define legal”.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts