If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
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DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
“HELP WITH CAT”
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?